This is a brief disclaimer: the following post is Suburban Mommy’s thoughts and true opinions about NYC nannies. This is a story that I have been told time-and -time again so thought it was fair game to share it with you. Here goes:
My now three and a half year old daughter was born in NYC at NYU after a frantic early morning cab ride through empty Manhattan streets. The cab driver freaked out and almost got into an accident right in front of the hospital when he ran a red light. Apparently I was screaming, even though I don’t remember it that way.
We moved out of NYC when my daughter was 16 months old to sunny Southern California, to be closer family and because my husband got an awesome job offer. I cried and cried. I missed my beautiful co-op apartment, the trees out the master bedroom, the wood floors – each piece hand selected on a hot fourth of July, my awesome neighbor down the hall at whose place I spent so much time her husband said he thought he lived in an episode of Big Love. My best friend whose daughter was 2 weeks older than mine and who met me almost every day at the Park or Starbucks or one of our apartments. The food, the food delivery, Fresh Direct, the moms at the swings, being snotty about playground rules, staying in shape by just walking the city. I felt like part of some international tribe of mommies who stayed at home despite being highly educated.
I thought life was the best in NYC. I was wrong. So so wrong. (Although the mommies still are awesome).
We have visited the noisy, dirty, crazy, crowded City twice since we moved. Each time I couldn’t wait to escape back to my isolated sunny bubble. Sure, it was harder to make friends. But that was about all that was harder.
Our last visit was a disaster. I should’ve known it wouldn’t end well when we arrived at 9pm with two cranky, hungry kids. While unloading, a homeless guy asked us for money. Being familiar with NYC, we politely but firmly said “no” and thought that was the end of it. Nope. The guy kept asking, getting in between us and the kids and the bags and cab, literally standing amongst our belongings (We packed for a 2 week trip) begging, asking to help, getting more and more frantic and pissed off that we ignored him. I finally yelled at him and some other New Yorkers, sitting at an outside bar watching us, intervened.
But I digress. My first topic is one that has literally pissed me off an untold amount of time: Nannies. New York Nannies Suck. They suck for the kids, they suck for the Stay At Home Moms (SAHMs), they plain suck. Yes, yes, there are some good ones. There are ones that care, blah blah blah. But in general they suck.
They talk on cell phones nonstop, they push kids in strollers while doing nothing but shopping. They talk on cell phones, or to each other, while pushing kids in swings for ridiculous amounts of time while a line forms. They don’t mind the kids they are watching on the playground. So many times I’ve had to corral some brat or stop them from dumping sand on my kid because the nanny is no where in sight. I don’t understand why NYC moms don’t spend one day wandering Central Park watching nannies and think “There is no way my kid is going to be raised by one of these women, I’m moving out so we can have a better quality of life.” I’m grateful for the chance to stay home, but that choice was made – despite a hard earned and prestigious law degree – in part because I almost cried half the time I saw babies and toddlers being neglected by nannies and couldn’t imagine my own child in that position.
So Cal nannies can suck. But in general the overall impression is overwhelmingly good. In fact, they seem to love the kids and pamper them more. Sure, they sit around and talk to each other, but the kids seem politer, happier, more managed. One of my friend’s nannies asked her to put a special outfit on the baby because she was going to show her nanny friend the baby for the first time. I swear, they seem to love the babies as if they were their own.
I do think a lot of it has to do with the fact that NYC nannies though feel like they are at a premium. So they are lazier. And oh so unhelpful and downright hostile to NYC SAHM mommies. I think they know that we tell on them. So Cal nannies are friendlier. They will take care of not only their own charges, but sometimes yours as well at the playground. I’ve found numerous babysitters that way.
It did occur to me that NYC nannies might be of poorer quality because they are treated worse. But I’m pretty sure that’s not the case. I know the mommies on both coasts who have nannies, and they both have high standards and are demanding. In fact, I think the So Cal mommies are more demanding and less hesitant to fire someone. Partially because a lot of them don’t need the nannies for work. They work from home or they work on themselves.
It seems to make NYC working mommies crazier too. They install nanny cams as a matter of course. They relate stories of getting into physical altercations with nannys. I’ve heard of at least two where the nanny and mommy came to blows. There are stories of having to fire a nanny and miss work because they realize their kid is being seriously neglected or the nanny has just decided to ignore all the mom’s rules. Who wants to live with that stress?
It always made me upset to go to a playground in NYC and see it filled with nannies. I know my NYC mommy friends avoid classes where nannies are known to congregate. They hate that the way the nannies treat their charges. They hate how unfriendly the nannies are. They get into fights with the nannies over minor things. The nannies fill playrooms for hours and hours, making messes, stinking it with diapers and food. And it shocks me and saddens me that a generation of NYC kids is being raised by these women, who often seem relatively uneducated, uncultured, unrefined, large (sorry, but if they are feeding themselves poorly, how are they feeding your kids?), loud, obnoxious and rude. It honestly stressed me out and they weren’t my kids.
Here, I almost always smile when I watch a nanny taking care of the kids (there are some exceptions. But they are notable and the moms generally know which nanny it is. No asking Meetup group boards about whether someone might know a nanny who was seen being grossly negligent). And it makes me happy to have left.
The Cake Boss Cafe in Time Square is an amazing place to visit with the family! Cake Boss is an ... 
Birth Day Presence will be hosting the Annual Help A Mama Up Day once again this year on May 10! Join ... 
I agree. We all think it but none of us say it. I think there are the few good ones but judging from the park benches most of the nannies try relax a lot on the job.
Being a SAHM I get to see what goes on in the playgrounds and on the street and while I do see some good one, the majority are just as described in this article. I rather sacrifice extra bags and shoes so I can stay home despite the very expensive law degree I invested in. My children are my current investment. I would really love to hear more about the authors move to So Cal because my husband and I are seriously considering the same move.
I plan to “guest blog” here a few times, comparing various aspects of NYC living versus So Cal. I say do it.
As a professional considerate NYC Nanny myself I have to say in all fairness that the post here is quite broad and misleading in its attack on NYC Nannies. Yes there are apathetic caregivers out there, but there are also many fine hard working Nannies. To lump us all into one bad bunch is extremely narrow-minded. FYI: I have noted just as many parents twiddling around on smart phones while their children do classes or play sand munching in playgrounds. It’s a complicated issue and one that needs proper analysis not negative generalizations.
To Nanny X: I’m glad you are one of the good ones, and I hope that you are treated and compensated well for that. I acknowledged the fact that it is a generalization, and I have known some fantastic NYC nannies. But to state an opinion based on years of watching, discussing, and comparing is not narrow-minded. It is the opposite. Yes, SAHMs can be out to lunch too. But rarely on the same level and rarely as egregious. I hope that you really are a good example to your colleagues and that the current state of affairs can be reversed. But if I did a fraction of the things that I have seen on the job what these nannies do, I would’ve been fired. End of story.
I have to agree with the writer, most but not all nannies are wanting an easy job. If you are being paid, you should be working, not talking on your phone or reading.
Loved the post. It was very entertaining. Can’t believe an UWS homeless person accosted you! That’s unheard of! Anyway, I have to agree about the nannies. I usually avoid my playroom because of what you described. I also see a bunch of them hanging out at the Bed Bath & Beyond whenever I go there even on a nice day. It’s fumey in there! It’s really sad what we’re used to seeing around the neighborhood and at the parks so when there is a good one, she really stands out.
Being a socal working mom, I’m actually one of the unlucky ones who have not had a good experience with nannies. Our first one was terrible (see below), despite coming “highly recommended”. Others that I’ve been interviewing in the area are nice enough but ask a ridiculous rate– if I could afford that I might as well stay home. I’d love to hear more about how/where you’ve been able to find and vet a good nanny? We’d appreciate any suggestions.
I’m also originally from NY and many of my friends are still there. You mentioned that most NYkers use nanny cams and I want to advocate for them because you just never know. Here was my experience: I’m a first time mom and we were unsure about what to expect or even ask for from a nanny. We’re very flexible, kind, and have put up with a lot and we never asked more than taking care of our son. Once I asked her to wipe down things like toys or high chair (which shouldn’t that be a given? But I digress). We ended up installing a cam and boy were we glad we did. She spent the entire day sleeping on the couch, which explains the bare minimum she would do for us as a family. I was often up at midnight cleaning up the kitchen and stove or emptying the diaper pail, cleaning toys or lost pacifiers. The worst though was a few times she would leave our poor little one awake in his crib while she was passed out on the couch. I was basically paying her to sleep! When I came home she was all smiles and playing, could even detail the day and what he was doing (or what she “said” he was doing). Had I not had the camera I would’ve thought she was so attentive and that nothing was wrong. We even told her that we had cameras so we could look in on him during the day and she still did this.
Now we are left without a good caregiver and daycare around us is fully booked. Any suggestions to help a fellow socal mom? I’m sick to my stomach every day.
Can I ask, where is Suburban Mommy living in SoCal? I am a professional nanny who has worked in L.A for many years, and there are just as many cell phone nannies/park bench nannies/gossipy ignoring child nannies there. I think the cities nearby to the major centers on each coast have a much better reputation for nannies. Boston and San Francisco seem to have excellent nanny positions, where nannies are highly regarded. I think there are both good and bad nanny types in NYC and L.A, as I’m sure there are everywhere.
Being a nanny in socal, who has also been a nanny in many other states, including NY, and even a few other countries I have an interesting take on this article. Although everyone is right there are always the minority bad ones in with the good and minority good ones in mix with the bad BUT I think your right. There are so many reasons, number #1 is SUNSHINE, the fact that I can take the kids to the park or the backyard or some outside activity 11 months of the year and it’s not rainy, severly cold, severly muggy or hot is AMAZING! it breaks up my day makes the kids happier and makes me happier. #2 you had the right thought that it is a difference in parents but not in the expectation it’s in the attitude. In Socal I have often been seen as a family member, yes I’m employed and expected to do my job but the children see the parents treat me like any close member of their family. If there is a problem we discuss it in private away from the kids. the kids I currently nanny are often mistaken as my own children becuase of the amount of love in the interaction (both directions). Unfortunately in NY, and many other places (although not ALL FAMILIES), nannies are treated whole-heartedly as employees, yes the pay is often better with lots of perks but the kids see this and although I loved the kids I was a nanny for in NY, there was always a barrier. Kids see all and mimic the parents if they are not 100% comfortable with the relationship how is the child suppose to be. I’m sure there is more just thought of those two immediately. Overall YOU create your nanny situation its just easier to follow the majority of whats around you.
Interesting points.
Fellow SoCal mom (and others): I am located south of LA. What a horrible experience to have gone through. I am so sorry. And for the record I am not against nanny cams. It just seems like so few of my friends here even think about it.
That is an interesting point about LA nannies. It’s not something I have first hand experience with.
My friends have found their nannies through various sites (Care.com), nanny agencies, and friend’s nannies. They are not uniformly awesome. It was a generalization that overall they seem so much better and the kids seems so much happier, and my interactions with them have been overwhelmingly positive. The NYC nannies don’t even try and hide their lack of interest in the job.
Again, every profession is going to have its problem workers.
Have you looked at your local JCC for childcare? My experience (and from what I hear), most of them are pretty good. And I’d hazard a guess that your JCC is not even 50% Jewish (which is neither good nor bad, it just means non-Jews like what it has to offer enough to send their kids there.)
Kimberly: probably true about the family aspect. But I have friends that treat their nannies like employees and the nannies still do a great job. The sunshine could be a huge difference. I’d be interested to hear from moms in Chicago or other cold cities about how they think the nannies seem to be doing.
Not trying to shamelessly plug my blog here but any mom who is wondering what to ask for or look for in a Nanny – can scroll back to my blog’s earliest archives, where I post samples of interview question sheets, how to source credible referees, etc. I have also interviewed founders of agencies like Blueleo and SitterCity, plus the director of the INA. It’s quite a good resource for Nannies and moms alike.
The absolute irony is that when you go to the parks in most cities mommies are sitting on park benches chatting it up not paying attention at all. Recently at a park in Calabasas, Gates Canyon, I witnessed my older charge of 8 and her friend, taking a 2 year old on slides while mom was on her cell phone. For 30 minutes. We actually took the little girl TO her mother because we had to leave and we were worried about her navigating the large equipment. The only people paying attention to the children on the playground were the hispanic nannies and foreign au pairs. Imagine if mothers were put to the scrutiny of nannies? Most nannies who’ve retired and gone on to be mothers solely all say the same thing, it’s much easier being a mother. You’re not held to the same standards as a nanny when you’re a mother. If a mother wants to blow off housework to hang out at Starbucks, no one thinks twice. If a mother doesn’t put away her children’s clothing right away, no one says boo. This is definitely a glass house scenario.
@ Socalinanny, you’re are kidding right??? Last I checked being a nanny is a paid job. With that comes responsibilities i.e not sitting on your butt while children play or cry in their stroller. Mothers are NOT paid and it’s a 24/7 job, they have the right to sit on their butt and ignore their house work if THEY CHOOSE. Big difference, I would not judge how a nanny runs her own home. When she enters into an agreement with a parent about caring for a child, she should not take advantage of the family by relaxing on the job. Only the children suffer.
Wake – up lady!
I totally agree with social nanny. The whole article I found ridiculous and insulting. I have been a nanny for many years and I have seen and known a lot of nannies. And you know what I found out? You want your child get the care she/he “deserves”?! Do it yourself. No matter how good we are we have our own life, most of us have our own children, teenagers and in that case we don’t want to be cut off the rest of the world for 11-12 (that’s the shift I do right now) hours straight. Have you ever put yourself in your nanny’s shoes? Trust me, when those little onesie yours grow up, no matter how old they are, you are going to want to get their calls anywhere and anytime. I have seen moms being on the phone all the time, ironically, most of them. My former employer complained when two year old boy I used to take care of bumped his head while I could not stop him from jumping on the couch, and every Monday I went there after the weekend he had several bruises on his face/had. He jumped out of the crib and bleeds from the mouth with her, for two and a half years that was the only bump he got with me. I totally refuse working with someone who tells me not to use my phone on the job. I do use my I-phone as much as I need to, but got things under control.
And most importantly, what kind of money are you actually paying your nannies to have such requirements? $14 per hour? 15? Or maybe $650 for 45-50 hrs? Can any of you imagine getting that kind of pay and do your best? And you know for what kind of labor, because many of you want nannies there even on the weekends, you don’t want to do it yourself even then, because it’s hard to do.
There is much more to be said but i have to go.
Thank you for your time everybody
Lucy-we work an average of 50 hours a week. I don’t know a nanny who who sits on a park bench hours at a time. Having done this job for over 20 years (I’m sure that’s far longer than you’ve parented, btw), I can tell you that I’ve never been negligent. I simply pointed out that in my own experience, it’s mothers who less than watchful of their own children. I’ve not only experienced this at that park, but several other situations as well. My point stands, parents aren’t held to the same scrutiny.
Socal mom, what are you offering? I can guarantee you that you won’t find a great nanny in this city for under $20 an hour. Cleaning up an entire kitchen typically doesn’t fall into the realm of childcare either. Try daycare.
I was a nanny in ny for years and i must say i feel sorry for any mother that has had these experiences with their nanny.
I have seen this behaviour from some groups of nannies who band together in the playground and do nothing but talk on their phones or to other nannies in their grouping. It was always very frustrating as a caring nanny to have a child under their care do unruley things and i was the one who had to correct them and their nanny was no where in sight!! I do want to say that if your thorough in getting to know your prospective nanny in the interview process and are patient with waiting to find one that truely clicks with you that we are definetely out there!! My ex employer is like family to me still. I do think that nannies who are mothers themselves are always a great bet for a family. They have mothers empathy that just cant be obtained from JUST watching other peoples kids. I have children myself and i always always took pride in making sure children i am watching were within sight, safe and occupied with the fantastic things new york has to offer! Might i suggest that you source your nanny from New Zealand and you will be satisfied each and every time
I agree there are a lot of reasons for concern about SOME nannies. In my line of work I’ve intimately known hundreds of NYC nannies as well as their children. I can count on my hand very few who have not done their absolute best to the level of their own education/know-how for the children in their care. Sometimes it is a simple situation where the nanny may not understand developmentally where a child is at fully, but that is not really her fault – she is still doing her best and doing it with love. It’s hard for people who’ve never had a service oriented job (like a lot of NYC moms are) to put themselves in the shoes of their nanny, but this needs to be done more. Also adhering to fair labor laws (overtime, working conditions), tax situations and hiring a legal nanny will help immensely. A little compassion will help your working relationship as well as your child in the long run. Also, I think the post if quite racist between the lines. We have to be careful that when we say that people are loud and rude that we just do not understand them culturally. Some of the loudest (I’ll say it – Caribbean) nannies are also the absolutely best at what they do and love the children deeply. They’re just loud and abrupt to our own ears since we grew up in a different culture. That’s what NYC is about, so maybe it’s better that the author left for a less diverse population?
I totally agree this post. I found your blog through a random google search. I live in the upper east side and when I go to a park during the day in my area, it is 95% nannies. What you described is exactly true. They sit on their phones, while the kids sit expressionless in their strollers. It always breaks my heart. If I look at one of the expressionless children and smile all of a sudden they brighten up. I truly am saving money and leaving the city so I can be a stay at home mom one day. You always see the real moms inside the park pushing kids on swings and running after them, whereas the nannies are all sitting in the perimeter. Basically the job of the nanny is to make sure the kid is safe and fed. Period. There is very little nurturance. I have even seen a nanny pinch a bratty kid. I understand that Manhattan is very expensive to live in, so unless your husband makes a lot of money, you must work. But, don’t kid yourself thinking your child is getting care as good as your own. You provide love and education. A nanny just provides a walk outdoors and food. To be fair, I do know a woman in NJ who has an amazing nanny. She is truly like a mom. But, again, the real mom doesn’t get home until 7:00 pm every night, so I still feel sad for the mom. Maybe, it will hurt the bond between the mom and child. I just don’t know.
Why was it necessary to mention weight at the end of the article?
I’m a SAHM and I’ve seen obnoxiously negligent nannies and parents who are just as bad. I just find the language in this post offensive. Uneducated? How do you know? Unrefined? What does even mean? Yuck.